Jokes needed
Mar 12, 2007 at 5:49am Edited
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Would you like a drink?"
Descartes replies, "I think not!" and he disappears.
The bartender says, "Would you like a drink?"
Descartes replies, "I think not!" and he disappears.
Mar 12, 2007 at 11:45am Edited
Well a little bit more low-brow. Just came in an email today and since I (gasp) also graduated high school in 1969 (but I skipped a year, I swear) I easily related:
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well...you'll love this one! I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmmm….or could he?? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes. Yes, I did. I had a Mustang,
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well...you'll love this one! I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmmm….or could he?? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes. Yes, I did. I had a Mustang,
Similar:
An attractive woman stops a man in the supermarket, "I'm sorry I keep staring at you, I think you're the father of one of my kids."
The man begins stuttering, "Oh God, are you that stripper from my brother's bachelor party? I thought I used a condom! God, I was so drunk and coked up. Did I really get you pregnant?"
"No," she replied tersely, "I'm your son's kindergarten teacher."
:devil::devil::devil::devil:
An attractive woman stops a man in the supermarket, "I'm sorry I keep staring at you, I think you're the father of one of my kids."
The man begins stuttering, "Oh God, are you that stripper from my brother's bachelor party? I thought I used a condom! God, I was so drunk and coked up. Did I really get you pregnant?"
"No," she replied tersely, "I'm your son's kindergarten teacher."
:devil::devil::devil::devil:
A termite walks into a local saloon and says, "is the bartender here?"
A blind guy walks into Macy's with his seeing-eye dog. He begins to swing the dog by the leash over his head. The manager asks him what he is doing, he replies, "I'm looking around".
So there are these two muffins baking in an oven. One of them yells, “*Wow, it’s hot in here!*
How did the math teacher cure his constipation?
He worked it out with a pencil.
He worked it out with a pencil.
A must for everyone....
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet. Just pee in the sink.
4. Suffering from high blood pressure? Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer for accuracy.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then
you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember the rules of life.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..... THEY ARE NOT
REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet. Just pee in the sink.
4. Suffering from high blood pressure? Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer for accuracy.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then
you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember the rules of life.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..... THEY ARE NOT
REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
Inside of a nursing home, a little old woman says to the little old man, "I bet I can guess your age". He says, "OK, go ahead". She unzips his fly, fiddles about and removes her hand. She looks at him and says, "You're 89". He asks her how she figured that out. She replies, "You told me yesterday".
Alright then...
A man goes to the dr. due to a problem with his equipment. The dr. asks him to remove his pants and is taken aback by the color of said member - it's bright orange.
After a thorough exam, the dr. can find nothing physically wrong with the guy or his parts.
The dr. inquires about the man's sexual history; nothing noteworthy there.
He asks what he does for a living; the man is out of work.
Perplexed, the dr. asks "then what do you do all day?"
The patient answers "sit around, watch porn and eat Cheetos."
A man goes to the dr. due to a problem with his equipment. The dr. asks him to remove his pants and is taken aback by the color of said member - it's bright orange.
After a thorough exam, the dr. can find nothing physically wrong with the guy or his parts.
The dr. inquires about the man's sexual history; nothing noteworthy there.
He asks what he does for a living; the man is out of work.
Perplexed, the dr. asks "then what do you do all day?"
The patient answers "sit around, watch porn and eat Cheetos."
A young woman goes to the doctor for a checkup. He asks her to disrobe and notices a rash on her chest in the shape of a "Y", He asks her about it, and she states her boyfriend goes to Yale, and while making love refuses to take off his Yale sweater and that's how the "Y" got there. The next young woman comes in, and once again the doctor tells her to disrobe. He notices a rash on her chest in the shape of an "H". She basically tells him the same story, and that her boyfriend goes to Harvard. The third woman come in, the doctor asks her to disrobe, and notices a "W" rash on her chest. He asks her if her boyfriend goes to Wisconsin, she replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to Michgan".
a goldfish walks into a bar
bartender says, "what can i get you?"
goldfish says, "water."
a dyslexic guy walks into a bra
bartender says, "what can i get you?"
goldfish says, "water."
a dyslexic guy walks into a bra
A bum walk into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick. The bartender gives him one and the bum leaves. A couple seconds later, another bum walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick. The bartender gives him one, and the bum leaves. This happens 6-7 more times within a couple of minutes. Another bum walks in and asks the bartender for a straw. The bartender grabs him by the collar and asks, "Hey buddy, is this some kind of joke?"
The bum replies, "Not at all, some guy just yacked his guts up on the sidewalk outside, and all the big pieces are gone".
The bum replies, "Not at all, some guy just yacked his guts up on the sidewalk outside, and all the big pieces are gone".
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have got a killer
jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished ?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax."
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ......"
He sighed .......
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box ......"
jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished ?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax."
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ......"
He sighed .......
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box ......"
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering.......
"Dave, you're a vet".
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering.......
"Dave, you're a vet".
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring
her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring
her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. --Groucho Marx
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown :smile:
A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the
husband says, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and
sad at the same time." The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your d*ck is
bigger than your brother's."
husband says, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and
sad at the same time." The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your d*ck is
bigger than your brother's."
Why did the lesbian cows break up?
They got tired of each udders.
They got tired of each udders.
In order to add a comment – you must Join this community – Click here to do so.
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite
thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
**Excerpts from a Cat's Diary**
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt
me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine
lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I
are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps
me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what
I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little
hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of
assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in
solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his
feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow
-- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that
the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more than willing to
return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to
be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my
every move. My captors have arranged protective
custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...