i've had it with the whole au pair program! archived

I am an LCC with Cultural Care. What agency are you with?

I am sorry to hear that you had some bad experiences.
But it can be such a great thing.

I was an au pair in 1991/92 and look at me know. I choose to stay in the US.

please let me know if I can do anything to help you out!

I do sympathise with you, but not surprised. I'm from England and it is interesting to see how the au-pair programmes are marketed in Europe to sign up young people to become au-pairs; to attract them it seems to imply that not only will they have the opportunity of overseas travel, they have a fun time with a lovely family including going on vacation and lots of outings with them, lots of playtime with adorable young children and do a little bit of work tidying up after them. They also get time off to study and get to party with young local people in the host country and other au-pairs they'll meet on their training course.

I am certain that when young people sign on to become au-pairs they are caught up in the romance of spending some fun time abroad with a safe roof over their head and a small wage to boot. They see themselves as little more than 'mother's helpers' - rather than doing a professional job (and why should they, they're not professionally trained and on a very minimum wage?!). In Europe there are strict limits on the hours au-pairs are allowed to work (ie. 25 hours per week) yet over here it's much more and often they're in sole charge of young children for very long hours....not a problem when they're having their interview to get their visa but once they're over here and working those long hours (more than they would back home) then I think it's a huge shock to them! Also most other countries have a drinking age of 18 so most of the young people are quite used to going to bars, pubs and clubs and getting a lot of freedom and probably think that as they're away from their parents they should have few restrictions when they come and stay with a host family in the US.

This is an old report but still relevant I think:

http://wjcohen.home.mindspring.com/otherclips/aupair.htm

also:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,987400,00.html

You're not alone with problem au-pairs, by seeing the comments on this forum:

http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/forum/messageview.cfm?catid=19&threadid=20882

comments from an au-pair

http://www.payaway.co.uk/aupairprin.shtml

My friend in Maplewood had an au-pair from Poland, arranged privately when a work colleague heard that she was unhappy with her current host family. she was 'employed' at my friend's home for one week and crashed the car with her children inside - and wasn't concerned about it at all. She was sent packing! Then she got another 20 year old exhuberant and jolly farm-girl from Australia.....the first few weeks went well, until the au-pair got bored and just wanted to relax and party all weekend. She asked if she could have another au-pair she'd met on her training course (who was working in CT) to stop over for the weekend. This friend was a young French guy....and their noisy love-making caused plaster to fall from the ceiling onto my friend's bed LOL! The final straw was when her daughter told my friend that her little brother (16 months) was playing in the toilet bowl. The au-pair admitted that she was on another floor of the house sending IM messages all afternoon to her friends back home. She was sent back home as she was clearly unsuitable to work for another family and her room was a disgusting state....rotting food, drink bottles and dirty underwear under the bed. My friend decided it was all too much hassle (and often like having another child in the house) so she has daily nannies coming in instead now.

For some families it can work really well but I would imagine it works best when at least one parent is around a lot eg. working part-time only, so the au-pair is not in sole charge for excessive hours.

Iam with Cultural Care...my first couple girls were fine, then the quality of candidates deteriorated. Sometimes I understand its dumb luck but my last 6 months has been pure hell. And I feel very unsupported...what is a single working mom supposed to do with no childcare because some immature little brat wants to go see her boyfriend back at home? Boston is unresponsive and my LCC says "dont you have anyone who can help you?". When I was in transition last time, it took them close to 3 weeks to even get me an application to look at. The system stinks. Some of the girls are wonderful - don't get me wrong - but it seems like the majority should not even be allowed in the program.

Iam with Cultural Care...my first couple girls were fine, then the quality of candidates deteriorated. Sometimes I understand its dumb luck but my last 6 months has been pure hell. And I feel very unsupported...what is a single working mom supposed to do with no childcare because some immature little brat wants to go see her boyfriend back at home? Boston is unresponsive and my LCC says "dont you have anyone who can help you?". When I was in transition last time, it took them close to 3 weeks to even get me an application to look at. The system stinks. Some of the girls are wonderful - don't get me wrong - but it seems like the majority should not even be allowed in the program.

Iam with Cultural Care...my first couple girls were fine, then the quality of candidates deteriorated. Sometimes I understand its dumb luck but my last 6 months has been pure hell. And I feel very unsupported...what is a single working mom supposed to do with no childcare because some immature little brat wants to go see her boyfriend back at home? Boston is unresponsive and my LCC says "dont you have anyone who can help you?". When I was in transition last time, it took them close to 3 weeks to even get me an application to look at. The system stinks. Some of the girls are wonderful - don't get me wrong - but it seems like the majority should not even be allowed in the program.

Flying-char - how did you 'choose' to stay in the US?

The au-pair visas are temporary non-immigrant visas and not transferable to Green Card status.

How did you manage to change status? Did you marry a US citizen?

Shoot...sorry to post that msg several times...on bberry LOL

Anyway, the latest girl arrived at my house from another family. She had already plannned a vacatio so I allowed her to follow through with her plans..at huge inconvenience to me. The previous girl who was here signed up for a class at SHU that I paid $375 for and when she left I was told I would receive no refund. I have bent over backwards for my girls...I have an open house with very few rules...they usually work less than 40 hours!
I'm just so burned out...

I feel for you, Mamma Bear. We've had a total of 6 over 4 years. 2 were complete disasters (one lasting 2 weeks and the other 2 months). Of the 4 who worked out, 2 were dreams, and the other 2 were okay (including the current one). Wish we had more options, but with two kids, and two parents working in Manhattan, daycare is too costly and it's impossible to find babysitters who'll work a split shift. Selecting a new au pair always feels like a crap-shoot, regardless of what their references say (if they speak English!) and they all say they can drive and have no problems (like they would admit that in a job interview!). I've been with two difference agencies through "transition" and neither one was much help at all when we were left in the lurch. And don't forget those fees that keep going up.

I also agree that the quality seems to be deteriorating, regarding experience, etc. Now many agencies have "premium" levels for candidates with experience...this used to be a given. Now you have to pay extra! It is all about money. The agencies certainly don't give you a break when an au pair is doesn't work out and it is clearly no fault of the family's. You are left high and dry.

I have to say I am losing faith in the program. You said it correctly when you said "crap shoot". There are way too many variables. Funny, speaking English is one thing that does not really bother me. I feel like that's the ONE thing we can change with these girls!! LOL. I am torn to stay in the program at this point. I have already paid for 6 months of hell with no au pair to show for it. My phone call tomorrow morning to corporate is going to be so fun!

Miss I sent you a whisper

Mammabear

As a single mom I know how you feel.
I am surprised your LCC isn't doing more. I have two families in transition, wait, I might have a girl for you...
side track...

I have two families in transition and I am sending between 4 - 10 emails a day to Boston, placement managers and my manager, they will find somebody for me, they know I don't play.

What town are you in?

We were with another agency but we, too, are done with it. When it works, it is brilliant. When it doesn't, it so terribly stressful and upsetting.

We had 2 years of excellent experiences. Then last year had someone who within 24 hours it was clear would not work out. The agency sent her home and we agreed to take a girl in transition rather than go out of country (partly because that was going to take 10 weeks and we were scrambling for childcare) - she seemed very kind, was well qualified but had had a tough family and needed another chance. She turned out to be really depressed. A few months later she decided she wanted to go home - she was clear it wasn't because of us but she was terribly unhappy being away from home. We made do for a few months, then started again in September. It was a disaster. We tried really, really hard. I don't know what more we could have done. Finally, she screamed at me for the last time and we fired her. The coordinator sent her packing from her house as she was so obnoxious! She was sent home. We pulled out of the programme - the whole idea was to have less stress and not more! Our agency refund was 2800 (after having an au pair 9 weeks of the year) and I'm pissed about that, too.

There has been a definite deterioration in the au pairs available. I think a contributing factor is that it is easier to work in the UK so European girls who want to learn better English can work or study in Britain and have more fun. More and more of the dossiers we got had girls who, in the past, would not have made the cut.

I'm also European, and I know the programme can be misleading (all ski trips and happy, fun times). But we, at least, were very clear about what we needed/offered and we sent everything in writing. We also used the language of the au pairs for the last 2, so there was no miscommunication there.

BTW, although we both work full-time, my husband is an academic so he has a lot of flexibility and time off which meant our au pairs had the same. Even on working weeks, we need less than 40 hrs/week; offer a LOT of time off and travel (optional); the au pairs we did well with are still really close to us; their friends always kept in touch and spent a lot of time at our house, too. So, while it made us understandably defensive, I really don't think we were so bad.

so I have an update on the fleeing au pair...I called her family in Germany because I am just plain mad and I want an explanation. I want her to call my kids and tell them something. She at least owes me that, right? They adored her and are going to be crushed when they find out she is gone. Anyway, she has told her parents that she was overworked (over 45 hours LOL) and that I never paid her. Again, I am in shock. I think this girl has a mental problem. I told them that she was lying, that we were very disappointed in her, and that she deserted us without even discussing her issues. I explained that she was really hurting my children and they were going to be devastated that she left without saying goodbye. I also told them the agency was looking for her.
On the agency side, I have this feeling I am getting none of my fees back. I started my new year last September so my 5 months of hell have eaten up any of my refund.

Would you consider hiring a college student? I nanny and go to school full time. The parents and I work around each other's schedules and it almost always runs smoothly. I have my own car, car seat, and stroller and take the child many places. There are other girls my age that are looking for similar situations so feel free to whisper to me if it's something you would want to look into. Good luck and I'm sorry for all your troubles.

wbwallflower, I have managed to piece together cover for the rest of this school year but might be very interested for after the summer. I'll post online if we decide to go that route. Right now, we are looking at extended day preschool because I can't bear the idea of being in a fix again.

Your friends should advertise on here -- I'm sure they'd be snapped up!

I did the same thing as a student and found it a good source of reliable income during the semesters.

Mammabear, I have been in the opposite situation where the parents contacted me. FWIW, I did not want to discuss it with them -- I knew they were disappointed in their daughter and embarrassed by her behaviour but I felt it was inappropriate as we had contracted with her as an adult and not via them. I know there is a real investment in finding out what happened and clearing your name, so as to speak, but the truth is you have little to gain from taking this further. No-one can undo what she has done and she is clearly unreliable and not someone you want with your kids.

Anyway, I don't think there is anything you can do or say to have her explain anything to your kids. I'd suggest that you explain it to them as best you can and as neutrally as you can (that she missed her mum and dad and wanted to go back home, for example, or even just that it was the end of her time with you). Don't elaborate too much but don't involve them in your anger, either. Kids are surprisingly resilient and accepting and they will probably just take your word for it and move on.

I do know how you feel, though, and would be spitting mad, too.

akb- you are right...I should let it go. I also know it serves no purpose to discuss the matter with her family. I am just so hopping mad. I went out of my way for this girl and now she has totally betrayed me. And the hurt I feel for my kids is unbelievable...they really loved her. It's so hard when someone leaves with no warning. If we had at least had issues that I knew about it would make a little more sense. I just feel so duped...

I know where you're at. I really do. I'm not sure I could follow my own advice, either, but for your own sake, it will be best if you can let it go.

Leave the rest to karma. Whatever she decides to do next, she isn't coming to it from a positive place.

This is a good place to vent! But count your blessings. One of our au pair's friends changed families once, and the new family really loved him. He was wonderful with their boys, reliable, etc. All of a sudden, he told them he was leaving the next day. According to our au pair, he decided the whole thing was really just too much work for him. The family was devestated and begged him to stay. He left. One month later a very large credit card bill landed in their mailbox. Seems he was using the credit card the (very trusting) father gave him to buy gas to run up phenomenal bills at a local bar. Nice send off.

And don't even think the agency helped the family out. The agencies take responsibility for absolutely nothing...that's where the real problem lies. If the agencies had a fair and reasonable refund policy, it would make a huge difference to families who take such a big risk. As it is,if it doesn't work out, even after a few weeks, the family is always made to pay through the nose, even if the agency clearly did not screen their applicants adequately. And...the agencies just get away with it.

Wow - that's a hell of a story but I have to say, I've never given even our very wonderful au pairs a credit card. I would not expect the agency or the card company to help in that scenario.

Last year, we got credit for the unused weeks against the next year's agency fees but when we asked for the refund this year, we got a lot less ($70/wk for the remainder of the contract). We paid 3.5K in agency fees for those 9 weeks, and we knew it was a big hit if we didn't try with another au pair but I just can't go through this again. But yes, when the au pair is so clearly not suited for the work, it is galling. And I know we are responsible for choosing her, but they interviewed in person and should have picked up on some of this immediately.

Ah well. An expensive lesson.

I have to say that I seem to be hearing of far more au pairs in transition or being sent home than I used to.

First of all au pair means, becoming a part of the family. Yes, she is here to take care of a child/children, however, she is also here to experience the American culture, so it is more like an exchange situation.

- and then It is all in the matching.
There are certain questions you want to ask, before accepting an au pair.
You don't have to accept the first and the best they offer you. Take a good look at that application, read between the lines, talk to the au pair more than once and check out the country she is from, is there a high potential for her just coming to the US for a visa etc. etc.

I see it from all 3 sides now.
1) I am a former Au Pair
2) I am a mother
3) I am working as a local childcare coordinator

I am sorry so many of you had a bad experience.

I think the program has become a victim of its own success. There is more demand and that means the agencies have to find a larger applicant pool.

On the other side of the coin the au pair isn't really a servant, but some families treat them that way. We have some friends from Europe who had a cousin/niece working as an au pair for a family of two government lawyers in Maryland. The first thing the family did was take away her passport and other documents for "safe keeping" and thing went down hill from there.

My experience (this is just MY experience) has been that the Eastern European au pairs are here less to be an au pair and a part of the family than girls from latin countries. Obviously that is not true of all EE au pairs but the latinas seem, in general, to be much more family-oriented (although we have known a few who have hopped from family to family) and focused on the children. The au pair system is not perfect, but we had more trouble with nannies who called in sick too often, were late too often (making us late for work), and who over time became less effective. I see burnout in the au pairs after 1 year too. It's a tough job and although it can be difficult to break in a new person, in the long run I think it's better to switch caregivers after 1 year or so.

Agreed, SOSully,

Even though we have had some lousy experiences, we've had some wonderful ones as well. We'll continue on, as in years past. I am, however, increasingly disappointed in the agency's fiscal policies. The extremely stingy refund policy is a disincentive to let go of au pairs who aren't working out well. Putting your au pair into transition isn't a decision to be taken lightly, however, worrying about the enormous financial hit shouldn't be complicating your decision.

And even though, as you say, Flying Char, host families are responsible for interviewing and selecting au pairs, the agency is supposed to screen applicants. Why do we see so many applications by applicants who are screamingly underqualified? For instance, extremely limited childcare experience or identified as fluent English speakers but unable to string a coherent sentence together during an interview (let alone answer a question)? When I was with Cultural Care, I was once sent 4 applications in a row that didn't meet any of my criteria including being 20 or older with driving experience. I had a stack of applications from 18 years, still in high school who couldn't drive. When we received the 5th application, with the clock ticking, we felt enormous pressure to just take the applicant since she met all the minimum criteria. It was ridiculous. And by the way, she was one of the ones who didn't work out. She was depressed upon arrival and appeared to be on many medications that made her drowsy.

AuPairCare lets you choose applicants from their database directly, but the applicants get so many calls this way, they often have specific criteria that they are not willing to relax: i.e. prefers to be close to the beach, prefers to be in California or Miami, etc. Eventually you feel like you are trying to convince them, or even bribe them, to choose you since you are competing with so many other families.

We've had some truly great au pairs who have become lifelong family friends, no doubt. But the process is just becoming more daunting and difficult it seems.

I agree, the screening should be better in their home countries.

I feel the girls from Western Europe are the ones, who are working out the best. I am talking Scandinavian, West German, Austria, Switcherland, Spain, France, England,Holland etc etc
I think, it is because we are already so Americanized, when we come here, that the cultural differences are not so big. Also, I think most of them already have plans for their future. They want to go back home to study and they don't see America as " The land of Freedom" we have the same - or better options at home.

Does that make sense?

Oh by the way, let me do a little marketing here, since I have your attention.
Do you Need an au pair, let me know by sending me a whisper...

:wink:

Sorry had to do that!

We have found that you definitely have to take the application with a BIG grain of salt. Many of the applications are oddly similar. I don't know if the agents in the home countries are helping the applicants to write them or are coaching them, but one application seems to be the same as the next until you get to the pictures and personal letter. We have found that the initial phone interview is the most critical component in the selection process. Some applications have girls rated 4 out of 5 for English and they can't speak but a few words. The local agents probably get paid for each girl they get into 'the system', so it's in their best interest to fudge the applications. Of course we ask the girls many questions, but we pay close attention to what they ask us too. Many girls only ask about potential entertainment in our area (where are the clubs, can I use the car on the weekend, will I have a phone, will I have highspeed internet in my room, what time do I have to be home at night) and we politely skip over them. Some girls ask whether they can have frequent guests or go away every weekend. We skip them. Many girls NEVER ask a single question about the children. Skip 'em. And then, a girl asks where the nearest church is, never asks about nightclubs, is interested in knowing all about the children, wants to know if there is a library nearby to send emails to her family, etc. No sense of pre-entitlement or special needs. EUREKA! She's a keeper! Of course they have to meet our requirements of age, language, driving skills, etc too.

In general we have found that the agencies have tremendous turnover in staff and do just enough to get these girls here. We have learned to expect the unexpected with them and to stay on top of them when time becomes an issue. On the other hand, most of our local coordinators have been very helpful and genuinely care about the girls. If you are selecting a girl, don't be afraid to skip over someone who looks good on paper but something struck you as odd during the interview. Better to pass over someone than to try to get rid of them later. If you get an au pair that you cannot keep for whatever reason, you are often given another au pair who didn't work out with another family. It can be a bad cycle.

Anyway, it all seems like a big hassle, but when it works, it works. Just be careful and diligent in the selection process. No girl will be Mary Poppins, but you can find warm, loving, mature girls if you look hard enough.

Slightly different perspective.

I was an Au Pair 20 years ago. I worked Monday through Saturday (till Lunch) from when the kids woke up until they went to bed. I cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, did the laundry, cleaned the house, picked up the kids from school, walked the dog, helped with homework, etc. My pay per week was Room and Board plus $100 spending money. I was not off at night during the week as I was not "allowed" to go out unless it was on the weekend so this lady had a built in babysitter every night except Saturday nights. My hours came to way more then 40 hours a week.

Frankly some families really abused the fact that their Au-Pairs stayed home every night (cause we had no money to go anywhere and where not allowed to have people over). We used to sit in the park and talk.

I also deceided to stay. Yes I deceided and no I am not a citizen but a green card holder. I did get married, had two kids and had Au Pairs. My three girls (from Switzerland, Norway and Germany) where great. They were great with the kids, very consciencious. However I also treated them with respect and understood what it's like to be in the other shoe.

good points bajou. I have heard lots of stories about families 'abusing' au pairs in this way. Hopefully these au pairs speak frankly to their LCC's, but I know that some don't. Host families are given clear instructions about limitations on au pairs' work hours etc. It's really lousy if they violate those rules.

Bajou!
:clap:

Thank you for a great mail. You are so right. We have plenty of families, who think that the au paior program is for them to get a Housekeeper at a very low cost, no such thing!

I had a great family, I had plenty of freedom and had a great time here.
I did go back to Denmark for 2 weeks and had a new family sat up for me when I returned. I called them from the Airport and told them I had made it through Immigration and they told me, over the phone, we don't need you after all.
There I was, 20 years old, British Airways had lost my luggage and I was all alone in New York City...

But I made it ;-)

I was also an au pair 10 years ago. I was on a similar situation that Bajou described, including the fact that the family I was with also expected me to share with kitchen tasks on saturdays and sundays (meaning cook for the whole family!) and "play" with the kid on the weekends, since it was an exchange program and I was like a "big sister". Although I tried my best to be the little boy's big sister, I felt it was a 24/7 job, since I was also the one checking on the kid at night if he would wake up. And when I started taking tapdancing classes on the evenings twice a week to keep up with my 11 year of tapdancing back home, the family made me feel like they were doing me a big favor to let me go for couple hours.
Although I have now my first baby, I haven't been on the other side of the situation by having au pairs myself. But do agree that if I would, I would definitely try to be a bit more respectful of the free time the au pair is promised before she comes.

As an au pair, I had also a good impression of other western european au pairs whom I met that year. And as a portuguese, and knowing how hard working portuguese people can be, I have to add to flying_char's recommended list Portugal as one of the countries to consider.