Family Court question

Does anyone know at what age a child can choose to miss a visit with a non-custodial parent??? Are children forced to go if they don't want to???

Thanks

Last I heard, it was 14...but that was about 15 years ago..so I don't know if it changed....on the same topic, if parents have 50/50 custody, does anyone know if a child can refuse to go to the other parent if they are 'of age' to decide....I know someone going through a divorce with a 15 year old right now..1 parent is not being reasonable...they will both live in the same town, but if there is a specific activity or reason child wants to stay with other parent (ie a family party on that side) for that night..would he get to choose?

This would be NJ law...if another state is involved, it gets more complicated if the law is different.

I'd be interested in this also although our situation is in NY. Older kid (17) doesn't visit non-custodial father anymore. Custodial parent used to try to force him but she now lets him not go. Its sad because his father is mad over it and now doesn't speak to the teen at all.

Little kids generally liked going until they recently found out dad and new wife are having a baby and now 9 year old wants no part of the visits. The father usually forces her to go- literally carries her to the car kicking and screaming and hysterical crying. When she gets there, she tries to run away or calls her grandparents to come pick her up (they don't unless the father says its okay but its really hard on them). It seems unfair to me that she has to be put through that every week. Luckily (and sadly) father only opts to see them one night a week now anyway. Age of 14 would seem awfully high to me- a child is capable of making decisions before then. I worry about the self-esteem, especially of a girl, who is basically not in control of her own body in the situation of literally being carried away like that.

Poor kids in these divorce situations. Can't even imagine how much it must suck for them.

jmitw said:

Last I heard, it was 14...but that was about 15 years ago..so I don't know if it changed....on the same topic, if parents have 50/50 custody, does anyone know if a child can refuse to go to the other parent if they are 'of age' to decide....I know someone going through a divorce with a 15 year old right now..1 parent is not being reasonable...they will both live in the same town, but if there is a specific activity or reason child wants to stay with other parent (ie a family party on that side) for that night..would he get to choose?

At that age, I think it is totally up to them to decide. At least, I hope it would be.

So people are OK with a 14 year old dissing his or her parent?

Has the parent done something to deserve being dissed? You cannot force respect. It has to be earned.

LOST said:

So people are OK with a 14 year old dissing his or her parent?

I'm not exactly sure what to make of this comment. First, yes, Id be 100% okay with a teen "dissing" a parent or any adult if it was deserved and the teen did it respectfully. I would have an issue if the teen was rude or abusive in the "diss". But if they maturely said "I am not interested in coming to your home anymore because you don't take any other interest in my life" or because I am not comfortable sleeping in one room with your new spouse who I barely know" or " I usually spend Saturday nights with my friends now, its the only night they go out and staying with you that night every week akes it hard for me to feel part of that group of friends" or any host of reasonable reasons, I would be 100% okay with that. And I'd hope the parent would be the adult and say, "well, then let's go out for pizza on Tuesday nights instead so we can still see each other" or whatever other arrangement the teen might be comfortable with to stay connected. Not get all mad like a child and stop speaking to the teen.

More importantly, I'm just really uncomfortable with a child who doesn't want to be with someone being forced to do that. If there has been no coercion from the other parent and , even a young one should have some say in what he/she wants.

get the kids a therapist or a childs advocate (guardian ad Litem) so there is a neutral third party who can help work through the issues and if necessary support a childs decision not to spend time or better understand the drivers. At a min try to get the kids to journal their feelings.

If the situation becomes contentious you need something to back up the situation. I have heard of exes trying to use "days" of child custody to revisit child support payments (Mom claims kids dont go to Dads as much and should get more Dad claims Mom is encouraging kids not to go to get more $- UGLY stuff)

I think many schools and churches have a divorced kids support group that could be a resource to help them work out what to do.

Went through this many years ago with my kids, its a very tough situation. Within a year of the divorce my ex backed away when the kids didnt want to go as the times with the kids were just too much for him.

I asked your question of a friend of mine who is a retired attorney and an expert in NJ Family Law. She said that there is no specific age in the law by which a minor can no longer be compelled to visit his/her non-custodial parent. At 18, the young person becomes a legal adult and can then no longer be compelled to have contact with either or both birth parents.

There is no one exact answer. Judges will look at it on a case by case basis, but usually around 16. Good idea to ask the courts to appoint a lawyer for the child.