Ever searched for Bio/Birth Mom?

There are a lot of us out there: parents of adopted kids. Have you ever searched for the bio mom of your child?

Our son, who came to us 20 years ago following a four-year stint in a Russian orphanage, has asked me to help find Valentina, his birth mom. I've located a guy who is very successful at tracking down cold leads.

If you've gone through such a process, would you mind sharing your experience, particularly the aftermath of a successful search?

My childhood friend ("Sue") found her biological mother through a website that unites parents and children that are looking for each other. She was in her 30s at the time. She had and continues to have a very loving relationship with the parents that raised her.

I think meeting her birth mother gave her some closure. Her adoptive parents are white and the Catholic Charities Adoption Agency told them them that Sue's birth mother was black and her father was white. When Sue met her birth mother she learned that both of her parents were black. They speculate that the adoption agency told this "white lie" because it was frowned upon in the early '70s for a white family to adopt a black child, but that a mixed race child was more acceptable somehow.

Sue learned that her her mother put her up for adoption because she was unmarried when she became pregnant and was already struggling to take care of her two other children from a different father. Sue's half brother and sister grew up in poverty and did not have the opportunity to attend college. Sue was able to attend college and is a successful professional today.

By meeting her birth mother, it made her more fully realize that she likely got access to more opportunities than if her birth mother had raisedher. She maintains periodic contact with her birth mother. Overall, I think it was a positive experience to meet her birth mother and get answers to her questions.

There are a lot of different possibilities of what can happen. Many years ago I read a moving description by an adoptive mother who wrote about how she always wanted her daughter to meet her biological mother. She was taken by surprise that she felt trepidation and some envy. Her daughter was very entranced by her biological mother and started spending more time and more time with her. She wrote about how embarrassed she was that she found it so painful. After a couple of years the shine of the new relationship wore off a little, and her daughter came back around. However, it really changed the nature of her relationship with her daughter, and she was writing about the big adjustment it was and continued to be for her.

I'm not advising against, I'm just sharing how we really never know how things will go.

Be careful. Lots of stories of scams in Russia with exactly this.

Are you members of FRUA? FRUA.org

Many great resources. I was on the listserve for years.

My kid isn't too interested in finding out any details. Quite frankly, given what I do know I'm skeptical about getting into. The Frank Foundation is more or less out of business, they would gave been a great resource as well.

All the best !

I remember the day my aunt and uncle drove from Canada through Maine on their way to New Jersey where they lived. They stopped into see us in Maine and introduced us to our cousin, a 4 year old they had adopted from Canada. At the age of 16, my cousin began to search for her biological family. She found them and visited. When she did, she was told that her mother had given permission to the Catholic organization in charge to place my cousin into foster care, not adopt her out. Moreover, she would never have given permission to allow her to be adopted out of the country. There were a total of 8 children, and only 1 was adopted out.

My cousin lived with her biological family for several years, married a local boy, had a child, got divorced and returned to her adoptive dad and his 2nd wife who had raised my cousin. My cousin now has a career, and is remarried in the states, and has a very close relationship with some of her birth siblings and her one adopted sibling. We love her too!

I was adopted long long ago, and while I was always totally happy with my adoptive family (my only family!), I did try to find my birth parents once I had kids of my own and was able to appreciate the selfless sacrifice they had made to give up a baby for adoption. I registered with a few adoption-reunion sites, but never found a match; assumed my birth parents were dead or not interested in being found, and came to terms with that. If one is curious though, it is well worth pursuing. I too have heard some unhappy reunion stories, but hope yours is a happy one. Good luck.

I searched for and found my biological mother when I was in my early 20's. Our first encounter convinced me that she was not someone with whom I'd be able to have a close or even constructive relationship. However, my two sisters felt a need to try to make it work. One had a nervous breakdown while the Other spent years and $ trying to rescue & fix her. Still I am glaD I made the search as it settled a lot of things inside for me

Thank you for sharing your experiences and concerns. We are proceeding with the search. The agent was used by an acquaintance and he was successful in finding several members of her daughter's bio family. In her case the bio dad was deceased and the bio mom was a "raging alcoholic" but the adoptee struck up a relationship with her siblings (or perhaps half-siblings) and the grandma - who had cared for the adoptee as a baby before she was placed with the state - was very happy to see her and learn what had happened to her.

I'm sure there is no shortage of hucksters looking to scam; our agent is a British gent who has a good reputation in adoption-search circles and the all-inclusive price is reasonable.

Stay tuned.

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it may be advisable to get a DNA test to confirm.

+1

BEST WISHES

PLEASE KEEP US INFORMED- Consider documenting your journey as a blog.

Apollo, this part of it isn't much of a journey. The past 20 years...now THAT'S a journey! This part means just sending to the agent whatever Russian papers we have about our son, sending some pictures and writing a letter to the bio mom (of which the agent provides a template so you don't get too wordy). The agent translates the letter into Russian.

Our 20 year old paperwork is very useful. It has many identifiers: her name (Valentina), her age when he was born, marital status, occupation, the village where she lived, how long she had lived there, and her "passport" (state-issued ID) number as well as other things.

The agent felt his searcher would be successful based on the quality of info we provided. it's pretty exciting to think we'll get some answers after all this time. Our son was not Valentina's first child so he actually might learn about his siblings and see his bio family's physical characteristics.

While there are many chances it could turn out otherwise, I'd like to think it will be a comfort to her to know what happened to her son.

Hi Bigben,

We,ve all heard stories of how bio moms feel great satisfaction and a sense of closure upon learning about child given up for adoption. Many children aren,t adopted, so your/her son is a success story...a loving family. That,s also validation of thee choice to place your son with the state. What could be better?

At some point, down the road, I,d ask for parental/family health history. possibly DNA sample or anything else of that naturel

Found her. Took some doing because the last known address was a village that has two, count 'em TWO inhabited houses. Two little old ladies. They finally remembered the bio mom's family (she has 8 siblings) and that her (his bio mom's) current husband has a sister in a town not too far away. The searcher tracked down said woman; telephoned the bio mom and arranged to meet her at her home in a village far away.

The interview was videotaped. Pictures shared. As for DNA proof, the resemblance to my son is uncanny except for her blue eyes. She would like to stay in touch and invited us to visit.

All in all, satisfying, although my son is still processing it all.

GREAT NEWS FOR YOUR FAMILY.

The reason I suggested DNA sample was in context of family health history. Was there any mention of father. One step at a time.

FAB THAT YOU DID THIS FOR YOUR SON!!!

Congratulations! What a big hearted act you have done for your son.

Please see private message. Would like to get what ever info you have, for possible future use.

/Pete

The father is a dead end.

Great to read about your search. Our (internationally-adopted) son is much younger, but if he wants to do this we will fully support him.