Dear Abby type advice

So, my friend has a little condo community summer home up in the mountains. It’s an HOA  type set up, which include board elections.

A friend of his  who is on the board, asked him to run for president. He had no interest, and told her that quite a few times, but she insisted that he was the best person, and that they desperately needed somebody.

Finally, he agreed. Unfortunately, another member of the community decided to run too, someone with a different ethnicity. Long story short the election became contentious rather quickly with my friend the white guy running against a Puerto Rican gentleman.

Because of all this, his friend, who begged him to run backed away from supporting him and then seemed to go out of her way to side with his opponent, because of uncomfortableness with the fact that he’s in a minority group.

My friend lost by a couple of votes but he’s now  being looked at a little funny by neighbors who think he only ran because of a Puerto Rican opponent. Not true, when he was asked to run, he was told there would be no other opponent as far as they knew. 

This bothers him tremendously, He doesn’t  have a racist bone in his body
hes not sure if he’s  ever going to speak with his friend again.  This is what really hurts him.


He asked me my opinion but I really did not know what to say so that’s why I figured I’d ask people here. Any advice?


Did your friend announce their candidacy prior to the opponent?


Are you asking about your friend and the person who asked him to run? Sounds like your friend just needs to speak with her directly and say "You asked me to run, and when I did you sided against me, and that made me feel sad, betrayed, and angry."

About your friend and his neighbors? Did any of his neighbors actually something to him, or is "looking at him funny" an assumption?

From what you've said, I'm not seeing the fact that he was running against someone of Puerto Rican background especially relevant, nor much upside in focusing on that.


yahooyahoo said:

Did your friend announce their candidacy prior to the opponent?

It was during an open nomination Meeting. Someone nominated my friend  first,  then his opponent had someone nominate him too. 


PVW said:

Are you asking about your friend and the person who asked him to run? Sounds like your friend just needs to speak with her directly and say "You asked me to run, and when I did you sided against me, and that made me feel sad, betrayed, and angry."

About your friend and his neighbors? Did any of his neighbors actually something to him, or is "looking at him funny" an assumption?

From what you've said, I'm not seeing the fact that he was running against someone of Puerto Rican background especially relevant, nor much upside in focusing on that.

the community seems split. Very white and very Puerto Rican. Everyone seems to get along but still there are cultural differences that can show up during an election. 


I think it's normal for people to "look funny" at the opponent of someone who they supported. I'd advise your friend to avoid borrowing trouble by assuming it's anything more than that. Sounds like the actual issue here is between your friend and the person who asked him to run.


PVW said:

I think it's normal for people to "look funny" at the opponent of someone who they supported. I'd advise your friend to avoid borrowing trouble by assuming it's anything more than that. Sounds like the actual issue here is between your friend and the person who asked him to run.

yes that is his biggest issue. He can’t even look at her without getting steamed. He feels not only not supported but also taken advantage of. Again; he thought he was running as a favor. He has zero interest in ever running for an office. 


I'm putting on my psychiatrist hat for you:  You know what the answer is already.  Just tell him.


"He doesn’t have a racist bone in his body" is code for "he's a racist."

You should be more careful with your words. 


mapleman said:

"He doesn’t have a racist bone in his body" is code for "he's a racist."

You should be more careful with your words. 

nah. Not true at all.


If your friend had no interest in running he could simply have withdrawn before the vote, explaining that he only agreed to fill a void, and expressing his support for the other candidate; he could even have exposed the woman who had asked him to run.


As for the “racist bone”, everybody has one; some are aware of it and consciously reflect on their biases before speaking or acting, others use language like “very Puerto Rican”..,


CharlesG said:

mapleman said:

"He doesn’t have a racist bone in his body" is code for "he's a racist."

You should be more careful with your words. 

nah. Not true at all.

whatever. 

If you were a smart guy you'd know that. 


mapleman said:

CharlesG said:

mapleman said:

"He doesn’t have a racist bone in his body" is code for "he's a racist."

You should be more careful with your words. 

nah. Not true at all.

whatever. 

If you were a smart guy you'd know that. 

troll. 


What baffles me is why would a puertorican suddenly decide to get into the race after your “friend” decided to run…. Maybe the puertoricans have an X-ray machine in the building lobby?


tpb said:

If your friend had no interest in running he could simply have withdrawn before the vote, explaining that he only agreed to fill a void, and expressing his support for the other candidate; he could even have exposed the woman who had asked him to run.


As for the “racist bone”, everybody has one; some are aware of it and consciously reflect on their biases before speaking or acting, others use language like “very Puerto Rican”..,

I also said “very white” so of course you skipped that part. 


Jaytee said:

What baffles me is why would a puertorican suddenly decide to get into the race after your “friend” decided to run…. Maybe the puertoricans have an X-ray machine in the building lobby?

huh? Go have another cocktail. 


Having watched Seinfeld, I learned HOA are notorious hotbeds of controversy and backstabbing. Gifting pens that write in zero gravity can even be taken back. 


CharlesG said:

tpb said:

If your friend had no interest in running he could simply have withdrawn before the vote, explaining that he only agreed to fill a void, and expressing his support for the other candidate; he could even have exposed the woman who had asked him to run.


As for the “racist bone”, everybody has one; some are aware of it and consciously reflect on their biases before speaking or acting, others use language like “very Puerto Rican”..,

I also said “very white” so of course you skipped that part.

Still, a good question. “Hey, my friend. When the other candidate was nominated, why didn’t you withdraw?”

Whatever the reason, maybe kicking himself for missing a potential exit could divert him from getting steamed at his recruiter or feeling put-upon by neighbors.


CharlesG said:

I also said “very white” so of course you skipped that part. 

”very white” is just as bad (just think about what it implies)…


CharlesG said:

mapleman said:

CharlesG said:

mapleman said:

"He doesn’t have a racist bone in his body" is code for "he's a racist."

You should be more careful with your words. 

nah. Not true at all.

whatever. 

If you were a smart guy you'd know that. 

troll. 

projection. 


Your introduction starts off with the proposition that he didn't want the job in the first place. He only agreed to it because they needed someone desperately. Then someone who does want the job, steps in. 

1. He should have withdrawn as soon as the other guy stood up.

And

2. He should be thankful that he got out of having to waste time on a thankless job that most people wouldn't want to do in the first place.

So, what's the problem?


The need to quantify one’s whiteness is a bit of a tell, if you ask me. Could be a a racist pinky bone somewhere in that body. 

Also, stop calling people you don’t even know “trolls”. MOL has one resident troll and she isn’t posting on this thread. Your repeated use of that word is beginning to make me think we may have picked up another one. In any case, it is rude. 


Doesn’t have a racist bone. X-ray machine in the building lobby.

Huh.


GoSlugs said:

The need to quantify one’s whiteness is a bit of a tell, if you ask me. Could be a a racist pinky bone somewhere in that body. 

Also, stop calling people you don’t even know “trolls”. MOL has one resident troll and she isn’t posting on this thread. Your repeated use of that word is beginning to make me think we may have picked up another one. In any case, it is rude. 

you got it. 

Dubious tale of an upstate HOA "West Side Story" with a boneless protagonist. I call BS. 


Formerlyjerseyjack said:

Your introduction starts off with the proposition that he didn't want the job in the first place. He only agreed to it because they needed someone desperately. Then someone who does want the job, steps in. 

1. He should have withdrawn as soon as the other guy stood up.

And

2. He should be thankful that he got out of having to waste time on a thankless job that most people wouldn't want to do in the first place.

So, what's the problem?

agreed 100%. 


CharlesG said:

agreed 100%. 

What I'm hearing is that he's got no complaint. He is what he is and he ain't what he ain't.

https://open.spotify.com/track/37YXfFNLMrKRyouUgSNiAH


Hi all.  Thanks for the feedback. I think @formerjerseyjack had the best take and I will relay to my friend his advice. Thanks to all who participated but again,  A few too many folks looking to argue or accuse. I feel bad for angry people. 



CharlesG said:

Hi all.  Thanks for the feedback. I think @formerjerseyjack had the best take and I will relay to my friend his advice. Thanks to all who participated but again,  A few too many folks looking to argue or accuse. I feel bad for angry people. 

thank goodness for MOL. You could never have come up with such a deep insight on your own.

question


mapleman said:

CharlesG said:

Hi all.  Thanks for the feedback. I think @formerjerseyjack had the best take and I will relay to my friend his advice. Thanks to all who participated but again,  A few too many folks looking to argue or accuse. I feel bad for angry people. 

thank goodness for MOL. You could never have come up with such a deep insight on your own.

question

Your on line self defense mechanism of being rude and condescending isn’t a good look. You don’t have to be that way. 


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